“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.