On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
This trial is so absurd 😭
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Isn’t
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I enjoy a good short stor