Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now