“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.