My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book