Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now