♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.