♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years