♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.