♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
where’s Godzilla when we need him
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.