♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend