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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Just so funny
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.