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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
HR said no more nunchucks.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.