🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Sorry not sorry.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.