🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
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Challenge accepted.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes