🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Personal question. #JustSaying
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️