🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
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I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I have a new favorite meme page
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this