🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
This was a bad idea all around
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
oh my gosh!!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?