🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
White Castle for the Win
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.