🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My boss called in sick of me
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”