Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
when revenge coincides with naptime
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.