Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me