Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
God has left this place
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon