[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
You Might Also Like
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.