🤣😂🤣
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Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.