cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Just me?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”