My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I falcon love using swear birds
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Watermelon Boss!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
real
The 6 types of sex