watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
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The glory of fall.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose