Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
You Might Also Like
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.