[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed