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Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?