Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Good boy 😂😂
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Just me?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.