Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I can’t stop watching this.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes