Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I’m crying im so happy for them
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”