*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
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Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Lmao
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”