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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho