Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
You Might Also Like
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”