Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Well, shit
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.