😂😂😂😂😂😂
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Oh thanks BBC.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
yea so i messed up lol
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist