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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
The French word for sex is croissant.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me