😂😂😂
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My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Cats are still liquid.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.