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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Husband: so you know itโs ok to admit that youโre wrong sometimes.
Me: Iโm not saying Iโm wrong but I could have been more right.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
whatโs wrong babe? you havenโt touched your shrekfast yet
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[In the bathroom]
Wife: Iโm not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
โAre you ok?โ No my cheese drawer is empty
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her โif that thing doesnโt bite you Iโm going toโ this is how we summer
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Times Iโve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times Iโve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
โItโs finally happened,โ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I canโt read it. โIโve become a doctor.โ