I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
looks legit
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.