Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
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Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.