As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
this country is so goddamn polarized
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…