My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
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Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet