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@weinerdog4life: I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot"
@nbadag: [sexting] HER: ok well i think we're done here lol ME: it's bc i used 'betwixt' isn't it? [typing ellipses for a solid minute] HER: yes
@Imsohoppy: I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I'm drinking.
@TheHyyyype: [high] ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing FRIEND: wait, u mean- ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere