The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases