[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.