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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
let’s discuss
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door