This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years