0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
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daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito