1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.